You know that feeling where you feel like your heart literally drops to the bottom of your stomach?? And it stays there?? And you just feel like shit and you’re not sure why but it feels horrible and sad and depressing.
..yet at the same time it feels good?? That feel good/horrible sadness that you like/hate feeling??
I’m trying not to let myself sink back down into that point. I will not let myself. I refuse.
That’s what many, MANY people do not understand about depression. How it’s like.. someone who is depressed doesn’t want to NOT be depressed, does that make sense?? That no matter how much pain they’re in, they don’t want to get out of that state. It’s weird.
It’s something only you can understand if you have been depressed before, I suppose. And you can only get out of this state if you realize that you are wasting your life being sad. How you don’t even want to try to help yourself. You’re just stuck at the bottom of this huge hole and you don’t want to try to climb out. You’d rather someone stop and try to save you. Save you from yourself.
But that’s not how life works. Why do you expect someone else to save you?? Do you think you’ll truly be healed or rescued?? You can’t just sit around and expect someone to help you, especially if they have tried so many times before.
You say you’re broken. You want someone else to fix you?? If anything, get someone to watch you fix yourself. It’s easy to say that “oh no, I’m just messed up. Someone needs to help me.”
You don’t fucking understand!! You have to realize what you are doing. Can’t you see that people are trying to help you?? Except you’d rather have someone do ALL of the work for you. That is not how life works. That is not. how life. works. But you can only realize this yourself. You’ll keep saying no one understands that this is hard. I’m not saying it’s easy, HA. It’s anything but easy. But life isn’t easy.
Fix yourself. That is my only advice. The only way you’ll ever be truly whole. Depending your entire self on another person is setting yourself up for disaster. Trust is good, but do not put your life and happiness into someone else’s hands. Keep your life and happiness in your own hands.
nobody’s gonna read this but who cares. just need to put it out there